The "S" word...

The caption that accompanies this video is: "If more black women thought like this woman, relationships and marriages would be successful."

 This first time I watched this video I was surprised that a woman was brave enough to come on TV with such a declaration. I was more so surprised by the number of favourbale responses that floated through my facebook newsfeed in response to the video. I felt pleased to know that there were still women out there that were not afraid of the word submission. It made me smile... until today when I saw this response to the video:

"Okay...so I know i am a drama queen. and to be sure i heard what i heard..i listened 3x..and i was shocked that it was the same bulls*** echoing from my speakers all 3x. Why are we teaching our women to think and act like a supporter, a follower. Why are acting like this view that women should be submissive is okay. It is not! And why are our gender roles being dictated by our genitalia? *sigh* Am I to believe that just because my man wants to lead i must follow regardless of what i think of where he is leading me to? I have no opinions...I am sooo pissed right now. SCREAMING CONJUGAL ROLES... and by far the worst statement is Monique´s as to why women are single ¨because they won´t submit¨ GRRRRRR!!!! well, if that´s the case, call me crazy _ with 50 friggin cats!!! I´d rather be old and by myself and happy than old, married and unhappy...KMT!!"

Good Gravy!

I had to leave a response, but not necessarily for her, more for other women who will come across the post to see that there is life, beauty and happiness in submission. I wrote:

"I think the key is to first find a man that is worth following, listening to and submitting to. Submission is a requirement in any relationship whether business, spiritual, familial, emotional, sexual. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Too many heads in any relationship is misery. It's a matter of accepting and honoring someone as the head and allowing them to lead. Some women choose to be the head, but at the same time don't consider a submissive type man to be attractive. A submissive woman is not an unhappy woman... the misery and frustrations comes from the type of relationship and partner that you choose. If you choose someone that shares your values, someone you trust has your best interest at heart and are confident that they work hard everyday to give you all you need and want, what would hinder you from being supportive? There has been a huge shift and more and more women want to be bread winners until they wake up and see a house-husband lying beside them. I believe it is our nature to seek strength, provision, protection from our men."

Why does the idea of submitting to a man breed such fury in women? I'm lead to believe that they have never experienced a happy relationship neither for themselves nor even witnessed one in their peers. That's heart breaking! We are creating a cycle of broken homes and broken hearts because they simply have no good examples to follow. Will the real happy women please stand up! Share your stories... I want to hear them, and they NEED to hear them.

What makes submission so demeaning? Why does submission mean losing your voice and losing your self? Why does submission make you feel like you get left out?

I belive every relationship is different, and as a result each relationship will assign roles differently, but in every case, someone has to submit. If a couple decides that the woman will handle the nurturing of the children (which is natural anyway), the man will also have to submit to some decisions she makes in the best interest of the children. When a man is given a role, we also need to submit and give him the opportunity to lead. There is nothing demeaning about that, it's just plain "Order".

Not every man wants the same thing though, so that's good news. If you realize that you are not the submissive type, don't get attached to a man that is looking for that type. There are men out there that want to be lead, that one's for you. That's the whole point of dating and courtship. You get to ask these questions. "Baby, what kind of wife are you looking for?" "I want a career woman! Someone to match or challenge my income and work towards building an empire with me" If that's you girl then go for it! But if his response is "I want someone to be a nurturer, caregiver, homemaker. Someone who will be there when I get home. Someone who has time and interest to build a family with me." and you know that's not your thing then that's where you kiss and say good-bye. Unfortunately, that's the point where most women that I know start wanting to prove that they can wash, cook and clean just so they can keep the guy. Why? Why would you work to keep a guy you really don't want? Why would you prove you can do things you have no interest in doing? Beats me.

One of my guy friends tells me that he has women call him back after a break-up asking why it didnt work, and over and over has to tell them he is not looking for a career woman. They throw angry words at him for a while then call back again asking why he wont just give it a chance. That's the main difference between men and women I think. Men are more likely to walk away from something they clearly do not want.

We need to find a way to redifne the word submission to make it less scary. I can understand how it got its bad reputation, but if you've never even tried it, how can you speak so ugly about it?

I'm told it's "different strokes for different folks". I disagree.