365 Days ago I married the man of my prayers. To celebrate our love journey together, instead of bragging about how awesome he is (and he really is), and how much he loves me (and he really, really does), I decided to write some tips I've picked up over the year on how to love your man. These are not instructions to you about what you should do, but more so a reminder for me on what I need to keep doing or get better at.
Dont take things personal
When I met my husband he was leaving his laundry on the floor. I made the decision in choosing him, that i'd be OK picking up his laundry everyday if I had to, and it really never bothers me. I see him try to do better so I give him some praise when he does the right thing, but I dont cut off his head if he slips into his old ways. The fact that this was something he did before he even met me, I know when he does it now it's not because he thinks i'm his cave slave, that's just his old dog habits. Besides, he has to deal with a lot of my old dog habits, I have to be fair.
Women are emotional beings and we tend to get worked up about how our man is responding to us. Sometimes his mind is on something totally unrelated to us or the relationship, and we internalize it and start crying about him not loving us. Someone shared this message with me a few months ago and it made me smile, because it was so true. Its about how women can minunderstand our man's gestures and get worked up about it. Hubster laughed when he read it and said that is EXACTLY what happens.
So before you start crying, screaming at him or feeling like he's doesnt love you, take stock (realistically) of the ways he shows love. Don't try to compare him to anyone one else, he has his own ways. Be forgiving and understanding and don't take things personal.
Ask him
If you want to learn how to be a better wife/girlfriend, ask him, not your bff or your co-worker or other men. Men have similar needs but different priorities. Some guys like tall girls and some don't, some like skinny girls and some don't. Some guys like make-up and some don't, some guys like high heels and some don't. Some guys like chocolate cake and some like strawberry shortcake. The point is, if the guy your trying to be better for is a flat shoe, no makeup, long hair, cook me dinner, pick up my laundry, chubby girl kinda guy, then you need to know this. Ask him.
Make every day about him
Sometimes we get so caught up with what we want and how we can be happy and forget that there is someone else to look out for. This is usually the path to relationship destruction. I never have to think about how to make me happy, he does. He never has to think about how to make himself happy, I do. If you both walk around each day looking for ways to make the other person happy, then everybody is happy. You avoid the selfishness bug and the disagreemtns about being or feeling neglected. Wake up and make everyday about him. Instead of being a constant nag and trying to get him to swing your way, take the first step and swing his way. If he wants to watch TV, watch TV. If he wants eggs, have eggs. He'll love you more for it and return the favor.
I know its hard sometimes to want to make the first move, but it will be worth it at the end. Even if you think your man is just mean and uncaring and he probaly wont notice, I bet you'll be surprised. Besides, what's the worst that can happen? He loves you more? I think its worth the risk.
Serve him
I know in 2011 its taboo in some circles to talk about serving your man, making him a sandwich or cleaning up after him, but that's what men like. I'm yet to meet a man, who didn't like being taken care of. Even the men who know how to wash, cook and clean appreciate some love every now and again. You may be thinking "it's not a good idea to spoil my man, cuz then it's going to become a habit". Well, so what if it becomes a habit? Don't you like being spoiled too? Wouldn't you welcome it? What will it take out of you to serve your man every day, not out of obligation, but out of love. I'm sure the benefits far outweigh the pains. Trust me, give it a try.
Hubster says I spoil him, and I feel good when I hear that, I feel accomplished. In return, he never denies me anything I want and need. That translates to unlimited back massages for me! Some of the things we experince in the process of serving each other are quite bonding. Countless times i'll be going about my day and pause for a chuckle as I remember something he did or said.
Thank him
Nothing he does with you, to you or for you should be taken for granted. He's not obligated. He chose to love you and does those things out of love. You may feel that you've earned your keep because you work hard either inside or outside the home so he needs to do things for you, that's not the right attitude. Think of the many women out in the world who would be grateful for a man who would buy them gifts, rub their back, play with the kids, listen while you vent, wipe your tears, share his life. Be grateful that you have someone who recognizes how hard your work for him and WANTS to do something for you too.
Say thanks. It expresses that you appreciate his efforts and respect his time and energy. Thank you's can go a long way in relationships.
Respect him
This one is a biggie. It is never ok to call your man names, not even as a joke. It is never ok to make fun of his failures or disappointments. It is never ok to argue just to prove you're right.
One day hubster and I were looking for a store in the mall, I knew exactly where it was, and he thought he did too. He said "let's go this way" and I did. Now, I could have responded and siad, no babe it's not that way, which he would have followed with a yes it is, and we could have gone back and forth and possibly end up upset with each other. Instead, we went his way, saw that it wasnt there, then went my way and found it. I didnt brag and launch into an I told you so marathon, but later he asked why I didnt tell him to go the other way and i said: "I don't doubt my husband". I added jokingly, That I will follow him wherever even if he leads me to valley of the shadow of death. Out of that comes trust. He trusts me not to disrespect him in that way, to be submissive, and as a result he will ask me for my thoughts, sometimes.
Submission is not a bad thing. its definitley one of those taboo relationship words in some circles, but if you have a good man that is worth following, one who you trust will not lead you into the valley, it makes it easy. However, the bible does teach us to put our trust in God, and let him deal with the man. So, just do your part, be prayerful and everything else will fall into place.
Pray for Him
Enough said!
Defend and support him
You've got to have his back! If not you, then who will?
Teach him how to love you
Men like when you can take the guess work out of loving you. Atleast mine does. Rather than leaving him to figure out why i'm sad, why I look miserable, what I want for christmas, how to make me happy, and host of other things we want our men to know and do, just teach him. Then everybody wins. You wont have to get mad at him for not doing or saying the right things, and he doesn't have to stress about what to do or say.
I've heard some women say that they want a man "that just knows", and I guess that's ok, except I can't say i've met any of those kinds of men, but good luck. These days hubster does and says the things he knows I like, and it still catches me off guard and makes me smile from the inside. I'm most pleased by the fact that he WANTS to do and say things that please me. Recipe for stress free.
I'm sure there is a lot more I have to learn about men and marriage and I'm excited about the journey. The key is to have a soft and willing heart and a good man to start with in the first place.
Happy Anniversary Marcus J. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. You're a beautiful man and a beautiful friend.
This post is for me, Debbie. I see the list and can identify readily some things that I need to work on. Sometimes we get so distracted with everything else (our responsibilities, our careers) and we forget each other in the process. Thanks for the reminder and the challenge to takethe right steps to making the relationship better.